BDSM (and ‘kink’ in general) are not commonly seen in mainstream gaming, and I think it has to do with a lack of understanding. …and not a little to do with public misconception.
I should be wary of making references to a book / story I haven’t read, but I think I can do so with some amount of safety. Let me start by saying, “I have not read ‘Fifty Shades’, nor do I intend to.” A trusted person did so and compared it to “Twilight” (which I have also not read, nor do I intend to).
“Fifty Shades [of Gray] is to BDSM as Twilight is to Romeo & Juliette. A pale comparison to say the least. An easy read. Fap material for those who like simple, fast-food literature and want to feel like they’ve read a book.”
I’m not saying the books are bad. I’m saying they do not fall into the realm of my preferred styles of reading… or content. (I’m a book snob. I admit it. Get over it.)
I know a cute little film called “Secretary” ( IMDB: link ) which I think does an excellent job showing two people as they try to accept and understand their desire (need?) for power-exchange in their lives. It also shows people ‘outside’ who don’t understand, though they try.
I’ve seen a lot of commentary about the relationship between Lee and Mr. Grey (the one from ‘Secretary’, not Gray) from people who don’t get it. Some say she’s ‘broken’ and needs to become empowered. Some say she’s in a ‘cycle of abuse’ and needs to be free of it. Others attack Mr. Grey for ‘assaulting’ her during a ‘time of weakness and transition’. These are people who may engage in sensation play (light bondage, feathers, light spanking) for a lark in the dark, but can’t understand the rush and intimacy which comes from the intensity and trust of power-exchange.
Letting go of yourself and putting your life in another’s hands is difficult for many. I don’t hold it against them.
There’s a trust exercise which many groups perform where you close your eyes, cross your arms over your chest, and fall backward as you trust your teammates to catch you in your vulnerability. I did this once, and the group let me fall to the floor because they thought it would be funny. In exchange, I did not provide my notes or answers for the next test. Both groups (they and I) proved we could not trust each other. I spent the rest of the semester ignoring them while they thought they were ignoring me. [I did my final exam/project solo and got an A- (91%), while as a team they got a C- (~72%). One of my former teammates apologized for how they had been ignoring me… and I showed her my score, “who’s been ignoring whom?” Sorry… I went a bit too far with that. (Yes, I have issues.)]
Trust is not easy. It takes time to build and must be reinforced. People who engage in anything beyond light BDSM understand trust and how important it is.
Many people cannot bring themselves to trust deeply enough to bare their vulnerabilities; they cannot understand why someone would want to.
I understand. And I do my part to share this view with ‘vanilla’ people. I explain how freeing it can be to put yourself in another’s control, and how empowering it is to have someone trust you so deeply. It is intimacy at its purest. It doesn’t have to be sexual… and only once in the preceding 575 words have I mentioned it. (…and only barely!)
Does kink add spice to sex? Or the other way around? I sense a poll in the offing…
– Cam
I openly admit to being kinky. I know lots of others do, too. But what is kink? What is BDSM?
My games and writing often have some slave-elements to them, which falls into “BDSM”. So I feel it only fair to warn you as to what I like, and what I write.
Not everyone has the same interests or definitions, so I’ll get some major things out of the way.
BDSM defined by me:
- B&D – Bondage and Discipline — Binding another and using various methods as discipline to shape the behaviors and actions of another.
- D&S – Dominance and Submission — Taking control from, and giving control to, another.
- S&M – Sadism and Masochism — Desire to inflict or receive discomfort (physical or emotional) from another.
Notice how there’s nothing sexual about those definitions. BDSM does not have to involve sex, but for many people it is a wholly sexual experience. (Your mileage may vary.)
I identify as a “switch”. I can give or receive any of the above, depending on my mood and urges. I can write from either side of the cuff / whip / crop / rope. Transformation (of varying types) also plays into much of my recreational work for the very same reasons.
The saying goes: “Write what you know.” …and I do.
I expect my creations will have some sexual elements, with a strong focus on power-exchange and transformation. Some projects have stronger elements than others. And I cannot name one project which is evenly balanced.
If these things are not to your liking, I’m okay with that. Don’t decry what you do not like, simply avoid praise. Little praise means little appreciation.
The slave games I’m creating will focus on those who’ve given up their power, or had it taken away from them. When you have no power, you will become whatever another directs you to become.
Sometimes the fun is in struggling to maintain your power. Sometimes the fun is in losing it. What do you think? (A poll will be coming soon.)
– Cameron
Today is Winter Solstice, or Yule for the purists. Christmas is arriving in a few days. The holiday season is upon us.
I don’t usually address holidays in this blog. But I decided to make an exception. (Even those such as we deserve holiday blessings.)
I know there are many more holidays happening around this time of year, and I know I could never address them all.
Whichever holiday you choose to celebrate at this time of year, however you choose to celebrate it (or not), I do hope you find warmth and comfort in these days ahead. Further, I hope that such continue for the rest of the days of the coming year… until next time when I can offer you these words and well-wishes.
Happy holidays and good tidings to you and yours,
Cameron
I figured I would post a couple different things this weekend to make up for lost postings. (This one is bigger than most of my posts, so settle in for a good-size read. Or jump to the TL;DR.)
I’ve been reviewing my existing projects and trying to work out how I can make my existing work better without adding more features.
One of the things I’ve noticed is how adding one more feature can add a LOT of work later down the line. While very nifty from a player’s perspective, the feature’s value must be weighed against the time and energy applied.
I come from a storytelling / tabletop gaming background. I really enjoy allowing the players the flexibility to be free with how they want to adventure. I have always found it fun when the players trod from the established story path and make it their own story. (..and it has made for some interesting evenings!)
I find myself trying to recreate that same freedom with my games, and in most cases it is just not possible. As a world-creator / referee / GM (Game Master) / DM (Dungeon Master) / StoryTeller / interface-between-the-player-and-my-fictional-world I track an ass-load* of variables. As things progress, I reference that aforementioned ass-load often. I also have certain rules for ‘reality’ in each fictional world. While there are some rules which are world-specific, then rest follow reality as I understand it to be. Just about everyone you encounter has their own story and motivations. If you sit down next to the homeless guy on the street, drop a few coins into his cup, and chat with him you will discover he has a tale or two of his own.
(* – It’s mighty huge ass, by the way.)
I would LOVE to give that flexibility to my games, but I simply don’t have the resources to allow it. I simply do not have the time to code the dozens of possible reactions Mary might have when she learns about her parents… differing based on how many times you visited them, whether you were kind or mean to her or them, and whether you paid the professional in coin or service… and whether the cops are nearby enough to hear… and whether she would be inclined to turn you in or demand compensation… or… or… or…
I can (and do) try to emulate a reality but I often feel like I’m coming up short. I think it comes from the high standards of detail to which I hold myself. I can play games from other people and have a blast, thinking it was a great old time. But if I put my name on one of those very same games, then it has to be better than that. Much better.
I tested this theory, actually. It proved true. I can forgive so many things in life, but I have trouble letting go with this.
I’m working with a partner on a writing project. I write “roughs” of scenes and my partner shapes it into a polished work I can be proud of. (A ‘rough’ is a rough draft, covering all the major points, without touching on minor things such as flavor text and colors and whatnot.) Tried to do that with a short game in Twine:
Getting Dressed: Six scenes. Twelve pages, all roughs. Three choices. One NPC. Four endings. Logic passed all tests.
It was all roughs. I played through it and found myself disgusted. I played through it four times, and each time I fought the urge to delete it and never speak of it again. It was simple. It was a TEST. It was probably pretty “ok” by most standards. It was complete. It was a full story. It had a start, a conflict, and a resolution. (Four, actually.)
I considered posting it to a forum for such games and proofs-of-concept.
Suddenly, I was embarrassed by it. I lost self-control. I panicked.
I uttered a few off-color words to describe it and I erased it and all my notes relating to it.
…and then I realized what I had done.
The thought of releasing a half-done work upset me. …maybe scared me.
I know that I can release updates and fixes… heck, it’s expected, these days! It was complete. (Mostly.)
Maybe I found myself in the crossroads of “must be perfect”, “what if they hate it”, and “it can be better”. Maybe I fear judgement from my peers.
I sat on this for… more than a week now. I think I have my answer… and I think I’ve come to this conclusion before… but following-through is easier said than done. …and it’s easy to forget while stuck in a cycle of self-criticism.
Just do it. Just write it. Just post it. Just publish it.
Writing this blog doesn’t bother me, so why did my little proof-of-concept? I’m still working on this. But it would explain why I have been working on this blog for over two years and have not published anything notable.
TL;DR: (too long; didn’t read) — Still working on my projects. Did another small game. Nuked it out of fear. Working through my fears. WANT TO CREATE and SHARE. Scared of something. Learning.
– Cameron
…and I felt an absolute need to share this… and, I must admit I’m a little embarrassed, but… what the hell. (I’m flagged as adult-content… so why the fuck not?)
I was cruising through message boards, as I often do… and something made me laugh out loud without any self-control. I did not create this. I do not own this. If I knew who first said/wrote it, I would give them proper credit. (A quick Google search showed 10+ people taking credit.)
Sex between three people is a threesome. Sex between two people is called a two some. It should be easy to figure out why they say I’m handsome.
…and that’s all I have to say about that.
– Cam
I’ve been trying to write even when I’m not inspired. In the fewest words possible: it is not very easy.
That said, I have been sitting down to write when I feel no inspiration, and nothing comes of it. …or so little and so empty, that I don’t feel inclined to continue. In the last week (since my last post), I have tried five times to write and all I get are short drabblings. I hope they will be useful at a later stage when I feel inspired but find myself without material.
Something I’ve noticed… Every so often I like to play “Bully” (a/k/a “Canis Canem Edit”) and it always seems to inspire me… to write a school sandbox. And I am holding off on making one for a number of reasons. The largest of those reasons is my already full platter of projects… though I may include some of the concepts into another game. On the flip side, it is a small-ish project which is what I’m supposed to do before working on bigger projects. Tough call here.
In other news: My employer is willing to pay for me to learn skills which may be handy in my profession. Lucky for me that includes programming languages (some). Unlucky, they don’t don’t pay/provide some of the tools to make my life easier. If I want a good dev environment and tools, I must supply my own. Also unlucky, not a lot of time… right now…
Holiday break is coming up and the company I support takes a winter break. So… lucky, I guess. *grin*
So what’s next? That’s a tough call. Honestly… I want to see a few of my projects come closer to completion. Since inspiration is not a factor, right now, I have options. I’m not at the whim of my subconscious’ fancy. Actually, I know what I’m going to work on. (A long-term writing project.) …and that will suffice to meet my fiction “requirement”. And for my programming side… I’ll revamp the inventory control code I wrote for The Game.
I was looking at my old code… and while ‘inspired’ it did work… but it is some ugly, ugly code. It needs help.
Yes, a game will be forthcoming from me… but I cannot say when. Seriously. Don’t know.
…so many ideas… and so little discipline to get it done.
Heh! If I say I need discipline, I know several people who would be willing to give me some. Must watch my words!
Tah! for now.
TL;DR — Same-same. More insight. Not feeling inspired but pushing through… slowly. Teaching myself discipline because I don’t want others to teach me… at least not right now.
— Cam
Lately, my blog posts have been stream-of-thought, and I’m not sure they’re very helpful or insightful to people outside my head. Inside, however, find interesting what comes out and how it comes out. This time, I put some thought into it.
Between sessions of Assassin’s Creed, I’ve been reading and continuing my research. I also played a couple of IF (interactive fiction) games. Again, learned a lot.
While FoE, CoC, and several others look good in Flash, the best usable dev tools are expensive and proprietary. I have seen better and better games coming from Java applications, though… I’ve also been looking at the Unity3d dev engine. (Not the one from Assassin’s Creed: Unity; they use AnvilNext.) It can do 2D and 3D games and has strong scripting to allow for nearly any configuration… with a huge amount of flexibility, especially if you pay them for a Pro license. (Honestly can’t see spending “$1500 or $75/month” for a hobby pursuit where I’ve yet to release anything nearing ‘done’. …which feeds into why I haven’t purchased Flash.)
I have several game ideas visualized, and I have the know-how to make a good majority of it happen… I do, however lack a few critical things before I can make the games into realities. More on those things later…
I was reading GameInformer magazine (yes, print!) and they have several articles about “indie games”, including one which focuses on a Q&A session with several people from small game studios. Several of the people had many years of experience in game design and development, and some had worked at big studios. It seemed like a nice well-rounded mix of people. Questions were asked about tools, required skills and traits, and common mistakes.
It’s a good article, I suggest you read it. (I don’t know if there’s a freely available version of the article, if someone finds a link then I will post it.)
A few things were touched on which reinforced some things I already knew:
- Very few people have all the skills necessary to produce an A-class game. Some people get lucky, though.
- Unity is very popular as a development tool.
- Twine was mentioned as an option. It has visibility of industry pros! …they did mention that you ‘cannot do real games’ (paraphrasing) with it… NOT TRUE! I’ve seen some very clever things done in Twine which I wouldn’t have thought possible.
- Feature creep can affect even seasoned veterans of the industry, and they must stay vigilant.
- And a critical skill / talent was to actually finish your games. Yep, they really mentioned that.
So… yeah.
The most important thing for me to focus on is getting something completed. From there, it’ll be gravy… until I decide to add graphics. *grin*
Now, to be clear: I’m not looking to make a career making games. This is a hobby. I do want to do well, of course. I find it heartening to see that industry pros have the same issue as I run into. The article I read was one of the first I’ve seen which mentioned Feature Creep as a caution. (…though not by that name.)
TL;DR: Still working on things, even though inspiration is low. It’s a grind. Learning by playing other games. Really! Read interesting article, helped me feel better about some of my challenges.
– Cam
Delays
So I have been away for a bit.
I took a vacation (stayed at home, veg’ed, played one the newer games which came out recently, etc). It seems my employer actually wants us to use the vacation time we’re given, and knocked points from my annual review (last year) because I only used a portion of it. This year, I made sure to make good use of it. [I feel EXTREMELY privileged to have a job… moreso, one which gives paid vacation time as a perq, but it is still a bit of an alien concept to me.]
So, I didn’t do much of anything for the last… *looks at calendar* month?
Yep. Life can be sweet.
Progress
Not much to speak of. MUCH inspiration to shape current projects and even start some new ones!. *sheepish*
Huh
My creative cycle, as I’ve learned from reading this blog, waxes and wanes; I become more productive and create more stuff as it waxes, while I am more receptive (watching, playing) when waning.
Reading over my last post I saw signs of the waning portion of my cycle, and last week was evidence of it to an extreme. 🙂
We shall see how things go from here… of course.
TL; DR (Too Long; Didn’t Read) — Took a break. It was good. I’m back, I think.
– Cam
Game of Slaves 