It’s been two years since I started this blog.
*pausing to reflect*
Wow.
Here are some results:
What I don’t have:
- I don’t have any code to share. (Rather, no runnable results from said code.)
- No fiction. (I have one chapter of fiction, posted to the other blog, on another topic other than this one.)
- Focus.
- Discipline.
What I do have:
- A lot of rambling.
- A history of many attempts to sort through the myriad of creativity which roams freely through my head.
- Two years of watching my patterns of creativity ebb and flow.
- A fair number of lurkers who read but do not post. (And I’m fine with that. I know you’re there.)
- A lot of documentation (in the form of rambling notes) about my processes and theories.
- A lot of starts to projects, with more being added by the month, it seems.
- A place to vent and express some insights.
- A clearer path to understanding myself as a programmer, than I’ve ever had before.
The lists are not even; they are imbalanced. I like the leaning. I have more than I lack, and from a statistical POV (Point-of-view), that’s a good thing. (Granted I’m not associating weight/value to each, but give me a break… also, I’m not including the painfully obvious such as green-blooded marionettes. Not here, but not relevant. Natch.)
I also noticed that I skipped two weeks since my last post. I thought I’d skipped one week, but… oops.
I’ve been in a consumption state, lately, rather than a productive. This is part of my cycle. It happens.
I’ve also been thinking about the past. Much past to consider. Not just the last two years, but far beyond that, too. I’ve been thinking heavily on games I’ve played and run (RPG, LARP, strategy, cards, etc). I’ve also been thinking about the people in my past. It started with “My Crazy Summer” and has been progressing from there. I’ve been blessed with some good people in my life, and some strange people. As you read & play my writing & games you’ll see reflections of some of them. You’ll sometimes see the idealized versions, and sometimes you’ll see the unmitigated truth… as I recall it to be.
I’ve been up all night, marathon-ing my way through a TV series (the little-known “Continuum”). It’s about time-travel, high-technology, and doing the right thing even when the results will suck for you. It’s also about being true to who you are and what you believe in, deep inside.
[I wrote that at 6AM. I was very tired… but I still stand by it.]
– Cam
This is a little update, just to keep everyone appraised. (Overshot my estimate by about 700 words. See TL;DR if you want the short-version.)
I’ve been working on my side projects and making progress in them, as I said. While I am having fun writing in Twine and Sugarcube, I am not getting the feeling that I can do what I want with it… as far as my larger projects are concerned.
I am, however, chatting with a very talented coder who may be able to help me make things go the way I want. So we shall see.
I am getting more comfortable with my writing, as this blog should attest. You may not see it but I used to spend hours organizing and writing my posts before proofing them and posting them. Now, I just write what I’m thinking give it a once-over to make sure it doesn’t seem too scattered, and then I post it. This is also reflected in my in-game writing; I don’t find myself agonizing over every little bit.
Scenes come easily to me, and I can churn-out a rough-cut pretty quickly. Editing and adding flavor-text (fluffy padding) are where I suddenly hit fresh-waxed flooring and panic about skidding out of control. I’m finding that the more I write (ergo, my simpler projects) the more comfortable I am with my writing. Either I’m getting better and better, or I’m being affected by NLGaS (No Longer Give a Care). Not sure.
I have been looking at other engines (for supporting rapid game design), again, which meet my needs. The last time I looked at all the options, many did not match my base requirements. Many have been updated and some have become options. Specifically, ADRIFT 5 has come a long way by supporting a browser-based runner.
Game of Slaves proper is going to run on a MUD engine and I have a machine running some test code and it is working… partly. When I get a little further along, I’ll probably ask for some coding support. I already have most of the world rules in place and semi-balanced.
Slave Mastered is largely formed (from a design standpoint) in my mind. I just need to get a little further along in my skills before I can make an alpha available… I’m going to need to rework a lot of the code if I’m going to continue in Twine/Sugarcube. And a near complete re-write if I switch to another engine. Most of the text, dialogue, and scenes I’ve written should be simple copy-paste, easy.
Hell Breaks Loose is on hiatus, indefinitely. I want to work on it, because I think it would be fun to play, but I really just don’t have the time to allot for real progress.
My Crazy Summer has become something akin to therapy for me, and I have fun writing all the paths but one. And that one is a requirement for me to work through before I post it. The good news is that I have been successfully utilizing a spiffy technique for path and passage flow which I had been trying to use for a long time, and now it’s working! So, so sweet!
Dollmakers is one of the projects I’ve been working on for… a couple of decades, I guess. Fiction stories. None ever finished / posted / released. I’m working on one episode and making it into a game. Most of the episodes I’ve done were simple and short. None were intended to be novels / anthologies like The Other Side series. This game-story is no different. I’m trying to apply the KISS principle to it… but by the Bright Lady I have trouble keeping myself from over-thinking things. (Seriously crazy me.)
The current Dollmakers story-game I’m working on is “Gil”. (I just pick a random name for this series’ protagonists.) My goal is to write one path to completion and then go back and add branches. I have almost failed, twice. The upside is that I’m catching myself and teaching myself the discipline I need to make this happen.
A KISS (Keeping It Simple, Stupid) game-story did get my development attention for a couple of days until it spun out of control and I decided to scrap it. That was before I started on Gil and I’ve been behaving myself since.
If some of my co-authors could see this, they’d laugh… I’m sure.
I always have grand ideas… starting is easy… middles are pretty easy, too… but the finale… always so many ways to end a story. I can usually pick one and work toward it. (If I can’t pick one, they can, and off we go.) As I mentioned earlier, I can easily do roughs; describing the scenes, flow of dialogue, major plot points, feeders for subplots, open lines for side-plots.
But that’s fiction. One path. One start. One course of action. One resolution.
These are games… where options abound. And I love having options. …even if I just keep choosing one particular thing, I like knowing they’re there if I want them. Because I love options, and I make games I want to play, I really want to add option after option. But I cannot reach my destination if I’m always stopping to explore side streets. It’s a fact and facet of life. I know it, but I’m still trying to grok it.
And my “little update” got pretty sizable. Sorry, folks. (Oh, and for the record: co-authors over the years = 3. Always distinct projects.)
TL;DR (Too Long; Didn’t Read) — Progress continues on several projects. The easy projects are feeding into the bigger projects. I tried a few ever-smaller projects and it is helping, actually. Writing is getting better, faster, smoother, easier. The world may see more evidence of my work in the near future; “soon”. *winking grin*
— Cam
(900+ words in 45 minutes. Not bad. …add on twenty minutes spent proofing and looking up the actual meaning of ‘grok’. Three minutes spent feeling smug that I not only used the word as intended, but I also spelled it right the first time. So, just shy of an hour for 1000+ word blog post. You know, including this block of text.)
“My Crazy Summer” is coming along. It was supposed to be a simple Choose Your Path story-game reflecting some events from one particularly interesting summer. I am making progress through it. It’s a bit on the rough shade, but I’m getting there. The hardest part is keeping things simple.
[Semi-rant follows. Mostly introspection. If not interested in the fluff, jump to the TL;DR (Too Long; Didn’t Read) for the summary.]
If I simply told things as they happened, then it would be a story and not a game. What I’m aiming for is the game side. To do that, I have to give options which will then be reflected in later moments. I want to give so many options… I want to allow so many things.
My working principle is: “If I were back there again, knowing what I know now… what would I do differently? …and what would happen?”
From there, there are so many possibilities. I can think of a few primary paths and those are what I’m writing for.
- Should I pursue the friendship of the girl who thought I was a girl?
- Should I be honest when, after a month of being friends, she finally sits me down and asks me that critical question: ‘Are you really a boy?’
- What if I lied? Would she believe me? Would she ask for proof? Would dishonesty pay off?
- Should I endear myself to the old man who thought likewise? Would I, now, knowing he was recruiting for underage prostitution?
- Should I stand up to the teen gang wannabes who controlled the kids’ playground after dark?
- What would they think of me? What would they do to me? What would they do to my family?
- What if I had stumbled across the real gang members who ran their operations from this quiet, unassuming apartment complex?
There are many secondary and tertiary paths, as well. But I’m trying not to focus on those so much.
As you can see from my list above, there were quite a lot of possibilities. And it isn’t easy writing for all of them. Some are challenging because they are emotionally difficult. Some are challenging because ‘could this really have happened’? …and some are just plain boring.
The hardest part, I think, is reading through it all (what I’ve written so far) and seeing how many options I truly did have… how I had so many chances to turn around and walk away. …chances to say the right things. …chances to really mess up my life. …chances to really hurt the people I love.
This started off as an all-too-simple concept: What if I had answered *Linda’s question differently?
But then I started to remember things… like the old man… I saw him several times, always kind and interesting… but I didn’t take him up on (most of) his offers. Then, I find out (doing research for this story) that he was the ringleader for a small gang focused on youth vices.
Also, I found out that one of the largest gangs on the West Coast had a high-level person living in my little unassuming little corner of the world. — Two hundred feet from where I dreamed of living my life differently, was a man running 50-66% of criminal activity in the county and the suburbs south of a metropolitan city. — He used to wind down by playing on the half-court hoop in front of his townhouse… across a very small parking lot from my bedroom window. I watched them playing when I’d sneak into, and out of, my bedroom window at night… not realizing he and his b-ball-buddies were armed… and with better equipment than the entire police force. The only reason he didn’t resist when they went to arrest him was because his 15-year-old niece was visiting and he didn’t want to put her safety at risk. “Otherwise, there’d be a lot of blood flowing free; and it wouldn’t’ve been mine.”
I met his niece. She was 9 (I think) when I met her. Nice girl. Quiet. Brilliant smile. Wore a cross pendant on her necklace and crosses in her ears. She was God-fearing and upright; honest.
The more I try to remember about that place and the people there, the more I want to write about them. But they don’t belong in my game-story. They’re out of my scope, for the most part. And considering my perv-adult mind, I would do them a disservice including them.
And I so want to ‘explore’ the little farm across the way… turns out it hosted zoophiles. (Animalists; bestiality practitioners.)
I grabbed a screenshot from a satellite mapping site and snipped out most of the identifying info, and the complex and surrounding area really hasn’t changed much in the last couple of decades. Some things have, of course. Surprising how the little farm is still there, and the gully… and the half-court… There are fences added, in a few places… more cars in the big parking lot.
Memories.
What if…? What if…? What if…?
And how do you write a game offering some options while denying others?
Careful selection and restraint. …of which I have neither in plentiful supply. *grin*
Sorry about going down memory lane like that. Thanks for coming along with me, though. 🙂
—
TL; DR — Working on smaller and smaller projects. Making progress with them. Learning more about myself and my skills. Improving my skills and processes to improve my bigger projects. Learning the notion “write what you know” makes for good writing. And “write from your past” makes for a LOT of writing. You can’t change the past. Sometimes doing so would change who you are and what you do.
—
Still,
Cam
(Post Script: I’m using “Linda” in place of her real name out of respect. Her actual name was pretty common, but still. She was my friend. She showed me what I could have had. It was wonderful. It was painful. It wasn’t until afterward that I realized what I had. )
(Post post script: I have a feeling I’ll be writing about this a bit more… script-therapy, I suppose. The game was inspired by real events, all else is fiction.)
Someone wiser than myself once advised: Start small. No, seriously, smaller than that.
Well, as I’ve been writing here, I have been trying to follow that wisdom. (“Do or do not. There is no ‘try’.”)
I have finally reached a project which I am managing to keep in simple scale. I expect I’ll do an out-of-scope version, as well… or at least, start one. *grin*
The down-side to this new project is that it is based on my actual past.
In many respects, I’m happy to share some of the brighter elements of my past. In other respects, I don’t like revealing so much of my personal life.
I’m doing it anyway.
I’ve changed a lot of the characters’ names, just in case someone might get in trouble. Sometimes it’s hard, though… keeping the names different… because I’m pulling from memory for many parts of the story-game. Some parts of some paths will be pure fiction, of course… and other parts will be glossed to put a shine on otherwise tarnished moments of reality.
I’m working on another principle wisdom: Write what you know.
I know transgenderism. I know kinks and fetishes. I know polyamory. I know computers / programming / coding. I know writing. I know… a lot of crap.
I don’t know that this first project will be released for one and all, but I will use it to inspire me in my open projects.
Also… I have learned a few tricks in Twine which should make “Slave Mastered” into a better game.
Finally, THANK YOU ALL for your patience as I work through my issues and concerns. I don’t have many public comments, but my page-views keep increasing… so I know you’re out there, waiting. I know you’re there. And I appreciate your patience.
– Cam
Bah! Gah! Guh! …and… Meh.
I feel better now. But only a tad.
This turned out to be much longer than anticipated. I’ve placed a cut for those who do not care to be bothered with a long string of semi-nonsensical prattling regarding programming, fiction, projects, limits, and the quirks of an under-productive writer/programmer/coder.
Hello. My name is Cameron and I’m a procrastinating, over-analyzing, programming storyteller who wants to make you suffer but doesn’t want you to think I’m the one responsible.
/waits for the chorus of “Hi Cameron”… which never comes…/
*cricket, cricket*
So, yes. Interesting discovery while looking over my latest projects. I started one which I thought would make an interesting one-off, just to get something done and out of the way. I had a solid start, 4 solid endings, and linear paths to get from A to B, C, D, and E. And then I started writing/coding.
[Side note: I use “write/code” and “reader/player” when dealing with Twine games because the two are so entwined with each other from the creator-perspective. Ha! I punned! “en-Twine-d”. Yeah… I think I’m funny.]
So things went downhill real quick. I started thinking about variants and options and started adding new things to track and thing to code… giving the player/reader more and more options. Until it was on the verge of becoming like Slave Mastered, and I could easily see it becoming overwhelming.
Step back. Deep breath. “How do I fix this?” Ponder, ponder. “Hey, you know, maybe I need to narrow it down even further. Maybe I’ll do a quick one-off. Solid start, two solid endings, and a few paths to get you from one to the other. Easy-peasy, skip the sneezy.” And then I started coding/writing.
So things went downhill pretty quick. I started thinking about variants and options and started adding new things to track and thing to code… giving the player/reader more and more options. Until it was on the verge of becoming like *secret-project*, and I could easily see it becoming overwhelming.
Step back. Deep breath. “How do I fix this?” Ponder, ponder. “Hey, you know, maybe I need to narrow it down even further. Maybe… wait, this sounds familiar.” Think back.
DAMMIT!
Gah! So…
I spent some time last night drifting off… err… lucid dreaming … err… in introspective analysis and tried to mentally limit the story ideas to one… single… path. I could not believe how difficult it was to limit myself to a single, non-branching path. I got embarrassed by it!
WTF? (Where’s The Food?)
I was torn. In part, I wanted to have the option to tell more than one story. (Writing more than one story is not a new concept for me.) But the emotional response… I’m fine with writing naughty stuff, as long as the player is the one making it happen to themselves. But I don’t want the responsibility.
Weird.
I can play the games all day long… (I have before, and I’ll do it again, I’m sure.) But I don’t want to be the responsible party.
Odd.
After thinking about it, I’m going to try again.
I’m going to make this happen.
A single, non-branching story… or semi-branches that increase accumulators which will trigger specific scenes. Nothing more detailed. Keep it simple. Yeah. I can do that.
But… now which path do I want to follow? (I have seven distinct story paths which will not really cross over.) Do I pick one and then come back and add more?
That last option might work. I feel hopeless sometimes. *grin*
I have a notion that once I “finish” with a project, other things will fall into place. We shall see.
I have not fallen off the face of the planet… just been engaged in some self-discovery.
-Cam
So I’ve spent two months working on one, single project. No deviations. No other projects. They all were ignored.
I spent no time working on it last week, and tried to push myself through a bit of coding this last weekend.
It was rough. I felt like I was wearing heavy hiking boots on a dry beach… I trudged through and got very little done.
I did find a great way to process surveys!
But otherwise, I need to take a real break from Slave Mastered. I will come back to it, soon.
By a “real break” I mean working on something else for a stretch. I want to change gears for a little bit before getting back on track.
This is venturing into bad-habit territory. I’m aware of this. This is a choice which I am making, fully aware of what I’m doing and how it fits with my habits. I have invested too much into Slave Mastered to give it up. I am not giving it up. I just need to work on something else for a bit.
Also, this “something else” is less lofty and involved than some (most!) of my previous projects. I figure a couple of weeks on it, distract myself from Slave Mastered, and then come back to it with fresh eyes.
I am not worried about losing my progress on Slave Mastered because of how I was going about making it. The process has been deliberate and methodical, and I should be able to pick up where I left off.
It’s become more like a hike in the rain to the grocery because I need milk for a dinner in mid-prep, as opposed to taking a nice walk and stopping for some milk along the way. I have not lost my passion, I just need to break out of the rut for a smidgen.
Kinda like being with a long-time lover… every so often, you just need to spice things up a bit. I’m adding some spice, but I’m doing in a controlled manner. I’m not just throwing some handcuffs onto the bed and announcing, “I’m kinky now! Prepare to be dominated!”
What I’m doing is more like, “I know this great little Bed and Breakfast… for the kinky. I figured we could spend a week there, and see how things go.”
Yeah… I like that last bit.
So, I’m taking the break so I don’t burnout, or become resentful of Slave Mastered. It’s not in my normal patterns, since I’m not just jumping to something else… I’m stepping slowly and assuredly.
Thank you for sticking with me. I will stay with it. Soon.
– Cam
(P.S. – I’m skipping discussing any life-drama in my life.)
… or pretty full disclosure, depending on your perspective.
It has come to my attention that some people who know me in real life have stumbled across this blog and my projects. (Whether they know it’s me, or not, is still open… I didn’t ask.)
To save myself some stress and having to repeat myself, I’m going to come clean and admit that these topics are in my range of interests.
I enjoy speculative fiction, transformation, and alternative lifestyle elements as aspects of escapism.
This doesn’t change who I am, or what I am. “I am what I am.”
To be clear, I am not into everything I write!
I could write about two people fighting to the death; this doesn’t mean I want to beat someone to a pulp. I could write about two women having a lickfest while riding on the back of a dragon. …doesn’t mean I want to ride a dragon. (I do want to ride a dragon, but that’s not a reasonable expectation from my writing.)
If I write about a 12ft tall hermaphrodite succubus unceremoniously railing random people in rapid succession (yes, I wrote such a scene), it does not mean I want that done to me.
Seriously, the idea of having a foot of man-meat inside me does not thrill me. But… I know it appeals to some. I’m not going to grief people about their kinks and fetishes. (Your fetish may not be my fetish, but I respect your desires.)
I will have scenes (some fairly descriptive) in my writing and projects which do not appeal to me. As a writer, it happens.
Please do not take it upon yourself to presuppose my inclinations based on my writing.
Thank you for listening to my rant. I’ll post something about Slave Mastered soon.
– Cameron D.
Last week, I took another break… yes, I admit it.
I wasn’t working on another project. I was working extended hours during the day, and spending time during the week playing Destiny’s Open Beta. (Oh, and don’t ask about leaving a window open during a rainstorm… after you’ve moved a computer in front of said window to keep it cool because you’re in Midsummer and it’s freaking HOT and you’re not prepared for rain.)
I’ve been having a lot of fun writing scene elements for Slave Mastered. I get to write Dom, and I get to write Sub.
Personally, I like my play on the lighter side… with occasional delving into the heavier stuff… when it’s done right. I do plan to try my hand at writing some harder stuff… this will be a first for me… writing harder play, but I know if I do it well then it will push the right buttons for some people… perhaps myself, too.
Truth be told, most of the scenes are incomplete.
Some need to be scaled-back because I was being too ambitious… some just seem to be missing zing, for lack of a better word. And, a couple, well… are difficult to finish because I get distracted… sometimes… because I don’t like to fap and write at the same time. Seems to be a bad mix for me. *wink*
I just read the above text… sub-mode? Looks like.
Sorry about that.
On another topic… I’ve noticed a few trends on one of the sites / forums I follow.
First: People posting alpha games for the general public, and leaving them in alpha… with very little content.
Another trend: People downloading / playing alpha-stage games and then being really unhappy when there isn’t much game to the game. …then they rate the games poorly. (Yes, it’s their right; I’m not denying them that.)
I don’t want to be involved in either of those trends. I want to make sure that my first release(s) possess some real content… and I don’t want people complaining about what I do produce (for lack of content). I know there will always be some people who will not be happy. I know there are some people who will gripe and complain no matter what I provide. …but I’d like to do it without hanging a bullseye around my neck.
TL;DR: Still going… and going… and trying not to embarrass myself. I’m okay with accepting failure… as long as I produce from a real, solid effort. Failing from a half-assed attempt not okay. And succeeding from a half-assed attempt is even worse, I think. Maybe I over-think things.
– Cameron
[NOTE: This was supposed to be posted LAST Saturday! I spent some time looking for it… it was being edited on my other computer. When I rebooted it (a weekly event), it allowed me to access the draft. Feh! New update will be posted tomorrow. SORRY!]
Yep. Another update.
I’m pretty proud of myself, in the respect that I haven’t been bouncing around from project to project. I’ve been staying focused on SM for well over a month, and I haven’t lost sight of my goals or pushed them further away… and I haven’t broken off to work on anything else.
When I get inspired to create something new, or to work on one of my other open projects, I make some quick notes about the inspiration but then I get back to work on this again… trying to harness my creative energy, as it were.
My first ALPHA release for Slave Mastered is coming closer… and I’m more than a little nervous, I admit. I fear I may have set expectations a bit high… but we’ll have to wait and see.
I feel better about it by being clear that this is an alpha and not a beta. Saying it’s alpha should, I hope, keep expectations low. I still want it to be stable, though. That’s my focus, right now.
I’ve seen much more complex games out there, and I’ve seen simpler ones which were quite fun to play… and I’m nervous to know how I’ll stack up. In one sense, I want to be better than “good” but I don’t want to be better than those whose works I admire.
I’m grateful to miggyd who offered their skill at layout… which, honestly, I suck at… from an aesthetic standpoint. I like to think I rock layout from a usability perspective. However, when I program, the left-brain/right-brain communication fails when it comes to color and such. Mignon’s layout work always impresses me… so yeah, I’m honored and grateful.
I’m done with my distraction, so back to the fun.
– Cam
Game of Slaves 